Occasionally, in the day-to-day routine of living in rural Alaska, reasons may present themselves for using a chainsaw in your living room.

Typical examples of these reasons might include, "hey its raining out there and this piece of firewood is too big," "hey its snowing out there and this piece of firewood is too big," "hey the TV is in here and this piece of firewood is too big," and the ever popular, "hey this could be fun." (Please note I didn't say that any of these were good reasons.)

With these justifications firmly in mind, let us explore a few standard procedures for indoor electric chainsaw use. (Indoor use of gasoline chainsaws is discouraged by the author.)

1. Determine that the electrical cord, stray items of clothing, the cat and your
toes are not under the cutting bar.

2. Ensure that as you complete your
cut, you do not proceed into the floor boards.

3. Recognize the advantages
of far-flung wood chips and sawdust, that is to say, now you can really see
where you need to sweep.

4. Do not tell your mother, girlfriend, pastor,
friends, public health authorities or anyone else about your project. They will only want to stop you from proceeding with your carefully reasoned plan. As though they never did anything unwise, like for instance, allowing themselves to become your mother, girlfriend, pastor, friend, a public health official in your area or anyone remotely connected with you.

5. Write your blood type in high contrast permanent Marker on your chest.

6. Promise yourself, however much you know that it is a lie, that it will
be "just this once."

// posted by Fred Oftencold @ 2:01 AM